Its an evening of strange emotions...

Its an evening of strange emotions where I am feeling sad, alone, left out, hopeless and experiencing all those emotions which are making my life hell. I don't know who can I go to. I am feeling hurt for no reason. I want to talk yet I am finding it so difficult to make a call to anyone. I just can't make myself to pick my cellphone. I am sad and feeling angry on my own self for feeling this way. I have no solution. I do not understand this side of me. I am holding back tears while writing this. I don't know what is better-to cry for a while and feel lighter or be controlled and let it pass. I am finding it so difficult to express this, even to myself and I don't even know if is it wise to write it here. I am longing for a support, am longing for a friend to do things together, I am longing for someone to cheer me up and am longing for someone to share my deepest vulnerabilities with. I am longing for someone to crack a nasty joke with. I am feeling anxious where I am longing for someone to scream and shout at and a shoulder to cry on & arms to hug me while I do so. Distraction perhaps is the best way but I don't want to escape or run away from all this. I am willing to fall and I am longing for someone to catch me there when I fall. I am feeling broken inside and I want to be healed. I am tired and for once I am even feeling like to be dependent on someone completely. I am longing for someone to take decisions for me. I am longing to be a child whose finger someone has held and who is taken care of.


I am mad and serious. I am cynical and generous. I am polite and blunt. I blabber and I am silent. I am an introvert and an extrovert. I am happy-go-lucky and sentimental.
I am too possessive, I am too expectant, I am too shy or too open. I have my moments of doubt & complete distrust. 
Yet, I am longing for someone to be there unconditionally.
And I am longing for someone I can take for granted.
I am longing to have someone with whom I can share and someone who truly cares.
And though a part of me is too afraid to connect on a deeper level,
I am longing for a connection which is mutually felt.
Perhaps, a part of me is also longing to be this 'someone'.



I don't know whether writing something out helps it pass or makes it permanent. I don't often do this yet today I just don't have anywhere to go and anything to resort to.
Books, music, videos...nothing can replace people.
And though I really doubt this attempt is to reach people, I'd again say I don't have another way out but to blog.

Comments

  1. SG12 December 2013 at 00:44

    I am sorry you feel this way. Hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Preetika12 December 2013 at 14:42

    Priyaa di! After reading this, my first instinct is to begin the comment on a light note : My first comment on your blog, note down the date and get me a chocolate ;) (Did that lame statement bring an awesome battissi smile on your face? :D)

    On a serious note, going through the Kabira mode, eh? I don't get how this happens, but your words and my thoughts or my words and your thoughts, as you have pointed at times, resonate with the same thing! How uncanny is that? I feel the same ever so frequently, you become a part of a friendly group circle and yet you end up feeling alone and you find yourself in isolation when you really need someone around.

    Honestly, no matter how many times I go through this phase, the sentiment is as fresh as the first time. And despite the many times that we go through such moods, we're unable to find a way out, I don't at least :/ So, I have no idea what words of consolation or comfort can I offer you, all I know is, loneliness is a state of mind and we're all only humans, it's but natural to feel this way time and again...

    Priyaa di, life brings us at crossroads and throws us into 'Kabira-mode' ever so frequently, I don't know how people usually deal with it but I guess, we are the only ones who can be there for our own selves because that 'someone' is a hope we all harbor, a hope that does not come with an expected date of fulfillment :)

    Take Care!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ashna 13 December 2013 at 20:35

    Hey Hey Hey!

    I hope you're feeling better now. We all get moments when we're subconsciously reflecting, and sometimes just the anxious part of the brain charges up and all we get are anxious thoughts and we end up feeling like this. :/ I can imagine maybe what's making you worried is that you are feeling all these conflicting emotions, but isn't it okay? (apart from the fact that it makes you feel so bad. That sucks, yes). I mean, as human beings and individuals, and having so much of influence around us in different ways, knowledge and information, behavior and observation, all this tends to affect our thoughts and sometimes all of it gets clogged and doesn't flow through properly. We feel conflicting emotions, but it's all just in us. We can't have "just" one kind of characteristic, right? Sometimes we like company, sometimes we don't. It's just that we don't. Why even ponder over it? If people have any understanding, they wouldn't take offence. Same with other conflicting thoughts. :)

    I'd also say that for your own happiness, learn to reduce the level of expectations. Some is okay, a lot is bad. :| It does NO good and only hurts you. And for the rest, you know you can always talk to certain people, right? :) It's okay. It's always okay. It's just at that moment we think it might not be, but don't be afraid or apprehensive to voice your thoughts. The monsters are all invisible and non-existent, even. :)

    Keep smiling!! You KNOW you look great when you do that! :D <3
    Take care! Lots of love! ^_^

    ReplyDelete

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