Old Scribblings & Fresh Smiles!

The end of the year is approaching, and there are few pages left in my diary. Something right's happening, no?
It's unusual because despite wanting to, I have never been  a person to start a new diary in the beginning of every year (this year I will :D) as a) I am was not a person who writes regularly, b) or who is organized enough to keep one diary at a time or c) somebody who would actually take up the same diary she has kept for random (and sometime thoughtful) scribblings and write at the back of  any notebook or on a random paper, yeah this is my laziness. Worse than that, you'd never find my diaries neat, of course I'd never show it you! :P

Diary, pen, marker and a better phone :P
Clicked more than an year before!

My last diary, the one which is almost finished (I am already not calling it my "present" diary :P, I am actually excited to start a new diary in the new year. Yeah, imagine a kid writing this post :/ ) is of 2011, in which I started scribbling in some June 2012, apart from two pages which were probably written in 2011, and its coming to an end with the end of 2013. 

I don't know what's inspiring me to write this post today, I just want words to flow today..anything random..probably because......I am not gonna say it -_- 

This diary is personal, like all diaries, but there are less personal accounts exactly, it contains anything to do with writing, there are ideas for fictions, some vague dialogues I imagined between my characters, random thoughts and realizations, doodles- a lot of them on some pages. My diary is totally like me, completely dis-organized, some pages almost blank for no reason. On some pages, there are repetitions of single sentences..anything- small quotes and random words. Not all of them are meaningful. When I am thinking or introspecting, I would keep on re-writing any single word or sentence, forming words in different cursive formats and do my thinking side by side. Many of them aren't even 'meaningful', on a page I have repeated the words 'Saturday, 30', then an 'A' written in different cursive styles six times, and its looking like 'if' more than an 'A' when written for the sixth time. The whole page is blank other than that. Yeah, and that's a diary! On a second note, I feel that like good buddies, it keeps up with me even when I have actually nothing to say. I wonder, if that's how with every one's personal diaries.

Likewise, I doodle. The most interesting ones, and neat ones, are these ticket-like doodles that I draw and then write in between. On a particular ticket-like doodle, I have written , Item has been shipped. :D I must have had ordered a book and got that message from the vendor. Shows enough vellagiri I do. :P But I anyways like these. I find them, kind of, cute.

There is this planner in the beginning of every month's section which they call "Month at a glance" All through this page (August Planner) I've repeated "Destiny at a Glance" with different cursive formats of letters "D" & "G". Turning a few pages, there is a first person account of a character named 'Aunt Berta' that I had created for one of my..well...books I thought I would write. Ah! The various dreams I have!

"A part of me wanted to shout at him but in that fraction of a second, I couldn't decide. I was so angry at him, that in that particular moment, I didn't see that he was apologizing, from the bottom of his heart. I chose to ignore his truthful eyes and let my prejudice took over. I wonder if everything changed in that moment. And now years later, I realize that I was the one at fault. I was responsible for their...."

It's incomplete. I am reminded of the whole vague idea of the story I intended to write. This particular moment of Aunt Berta's life, as I read the drafts now, is quite well-pictured in my imagination even now.

Opening another random page brings to me my weirdness and I am smiling at the idea. Who says only childhood stupidities make you smile?  There is something I have written about myself only but I have written it in past tense. I must have been trying to imagine myself in future so present automatically becomes past. (You got it, right?) 

There is another diary that I wrote in during my college time. There is this small incomplete poem that I tried writing but I still remember I couldn't complete it because the idea was in my mind but the feelings weren't. The lines that I wrote:

I cannot move out of my place.

Though outside, there is a grand race.

Others are finding  a way or two

But I am getting nothing that

could come to my rescue.

A few have managed to do,

A few have died

I am not finding courage to move out.

It is raining heavily outside.

This is unedited. Pardon my mistakes. I have shared it here as it is in my diary. A look at it tells me that it is the very first draft of it, the first thoughts!

There is something bitter-sweet you feel when you open your old diaries. I feel like going to my even older diaries specially the one in which I used to write my poems as and when I scribbled one. It contains some of my most naive work and some of the most beautiful poems of mine, even if I say so myself. :P 

And then from another diary, I share with you this page in which I have scribbled "Spreading Happiness". For myself?? I don't know! But my diary can have a tinch of positivity too, I am glad! :D