A struggle to express is a struggle to heal!!!

I wish somebody would tell the socially acceptable
ways of saying some things. :|

A struggle to express is a struggle to heal. I came across these lines a few days back when a blogger friend shared an article with me. Though I couldn't go through the article as  a whole but this line stayed with me and I shall say this line said  a lot that I couldn't express all this while.

I have been dealing with inexpressiveness for a long time now. Though writing here has brought something out of me but still there is a lot that still remains. I don't write when I'm not sure and but that itch to write always remain. But I never wanted to write that I was sad, when in reality I was depressed or frustrated or annoyed or whatever. I just wanted to express in a clear way and clarity over my feelings was what missing from my life.

I don't know how many times have I cribbed about not being able to write. It felt so frustrating when I couldn't write what I wanted to even after having started this blog for more than one and half years.
But blogging is hardly a solution. For how long would you keep ranting? Moreover, you can write general stuff, general observations and your deep thoughts too but sometimes, you just don't want to think over something. You don't want to be bothered by something and you simply hope for somebody to just explain things to you. Overthinking, then looking for clarity and then posting and eventually forgetting (or coming up with a theory or a deep understanding like what leads to inexpressiveness or thinking about what leads to overthinking) and moving on- this doesn't work in every situation. Period. 

Sometimes, I wonder where the problem of inexpressiveness starts from! I wonder how do we come to a point where small words like "I feel sad", "I feel confused" "I feel happy" or "I am not sure" or "I just want to say to you" or "I want" no more explains our emotions or feelings. I wonder how slowly we come to a point where emotions are expressed only in a way which is more complex like "I have this overwhelming desire", "I feel tempted to say" & "I feel an unnecessary baggage over..." I sometimes wonder why do we need to look for complex words. Its the need to express complex emotions.

Complex emotions originate when we fail to express emotions normally. For a long time when you feel confused whether really to be sad about a certain something in life, when you cannot speak your mind to anyone in your life without a fear of judgement or negation, that 'I feel sad' or 'I feel bad', after a long time you'd probably have to say 'I have unexplained sadness...'
The same is with happiness too. I recently had a conversation with a friend who is going through a sad phase in his life that its important to have people with whom you can share your sadness with in a way that they understand; its more important to have people with whom you can share you happiness.

Emotions are like water in a pot. If you keep on pouring water in to the pot without a proper outlet, it is but obvious that it would overflow. And the worse part is that then you would have no control over over it. Similarly, when for a long time you are not able to talk out your discontentment, your disagreement for whatever reasons, slowly it will start to show, in the form of moodiness, frustration, anger. That is why bottling up never is a solution. But yes, sometimes there's just no option but to pretend. 

Inexpression leads to a hell lot of other problems in life. Its not just the trouble of not being able to express, its the trouble that follows- in your relationships, in your life, in your feelings and in your being. Its the trouble that not just follows but later chases you in every sphere of you life and becomes a part of you. 

Its quite easy to say that life is really more than having the ability (or the lack of it) to express. I don't agree. 
I was going through this post of mine where in mentioned that soon after I started saying that my phone's not well, I actually forgot that my phone's not completely bonkers and started living with it peacefully. I wonder why is it not the same with feelings. Why don't we actually feel good after pretending we are good over a course of time. May be because we try hard to mask them. We have to try hard. The difference probably is the same as the difference between living without a coke and living without water. How can you be without something that is considered an intrinsic need of being a human. Expressing emotions! It does take a good effort to pretend. And it leaves you exhausted. 

I recently came across a line in the book that I am currently reading that freedom is saying 2+2=4. Is it really so? Is it really only so? Freedom should also be to say 2+2=5 without being negated. I think one should have the chance to make mistakes and to not feel bad about making those mistakes & to say it so that you can be corrected if you are wrong. 
The constant judgements and negations forces  a person to be quiet on saying 2+2=5 even though he/she is open to have a discussion on why 2+2 is not 5 and why it's 4. That has always stopped me to say 2+2=5 when I thought I am not right, and 4 never crossed my mind. It didn't do any good like bottling up never is a solution. Often when you curb "5" for long and are unaware of "4", you'd even end up saying 6 7 8 9 2 1..anything. And judgements & negations would keep on following! Isn't it the irony of the situation?  
Moreover, in life, nothing is as simple as an equation 2+2=4. 

I just came across a thought over fb: One of the greatest joys in life is to be able to express yourself unabashedly and just BE yourself. The bonus is when a few good people you meet in life, cherish you for who you are.


PS- I will absolutely kill you if don't understand the theory and take it literally about numbers & compare it with the problems of an indian classroom -_- though there could be some parallels :P
PPS- The post is actually incomplete but its fuckin annoying to think over this than other important things in your life which you have to do alone :-/